my favorite yaoi lies

WARNING: Um, so a few of the pics here are a bit more graphic than what I normally post. There was just no way around it.

truth vs. fiction: fiction wins

In Yaoiland, many deliciously, delightfully unrealistic things happen. However, it’d be boring to join yaoi’s critics in debating whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, so I think instead I’ll rant about my terrible disappointment that the following ten boys’ love “facts” aren’t so factual. Come on, look closely, and imagine a world in which these ten yaoi lies weren’t lies:

10. All student body presidents are gay (even if they don’t know it yet).

Sadistic Boy by Tori Maia

Sadistic Boy by Tori Maia

Warui Koto Shitai by Sakuraga Mei

Warui Koto Shitai by Sakuraga Mei


9. You don’t need lube if you’ve got love…

No, no, idiot seme-san, it really is not okay. And how in the world did it manage to get wet?

Just for the record, no bodily fluid exists that can do that particular job. Please, take a time out and get that poor uke something that will actually work. Otherwise I’m going to spend this whole sex scene cringing.

And while you’re at it, could you do him on something other than that hardwood floor? I mean, it’s gonna hurt your knees as much as it hurts his back…


8. Despite the outrageous land-crunch in Japan, many painfully handsome yet lonely high school boys live on their own in luxurious apartments (that make perfect love-nests).

Renai Junkie by Tohjoh Asami

Renai Junkie by Tohjoh Asami

Trust me, little one, it’s not girls he’s going to be taking home…

Renai Junkie by Tohjoh Asami

Renai Junkie by Tohjoh Asami

Just wait ’til you see the bedroom.


7. You can go at it vigorously in the school infirmary (or any other room at school), separated from other people by just a curtain (or desk), and as long as you cover your mouth, they won’t hear all that smacking, schlorping, and fwapping. In fact, they’ll have absolutely no idea you’re there, even though you can hear every word of their conversation. 

Kiken na Hokenei Counselor by Minami Haruka

Kiken na Hokenei Counselor by Minami Haruka

Kiken na Hokenei Counselor by Minami Haruka

Kiken na Hokenei Counselor by Minami Haruka

Yep, that’s one pervy school doctor. And apparently the students who came in for bandaids can hear each other but not the inevitably messily noisy action taking place a few feet away. Yaoi magic of concealment?

In case it isn’t perfectly clear below, the determined student hiding under this teacher’s podium during class is about to convince sensei to engage in some rather athletic skinship. Magically, no one sees or hears a thing!


6. The rejection, “I’ve never thought of you as a (friend/brother/cousin/father/etc.),” is always code for, “I’m madly in love with you and will push you down the next chance I get.”

Ai no Kotoba mo Shiraniade by Honjou Rie

Ai no Kotoba mo Shiraniade by Honjou Rie

Don’t look so sad! You’ll end up liking how he does see you.


5. Even when “preparing” his uke, it’s no problem for the seme to have long, pointy fingernails (or demonic claws). 

Yokubou Shounen by Naono Bohra

Yokubou Shounen by Naono Bohra

 

Of course it is! Are you kidding?! Here, please… use these nail clippers, I beg you!


4. As long as one of the partners is an animal or part-animal, a man can get pregnant and give birth to his lover’s child. 

Yokubou Shounen by Naono Bohra1

Yokubou Shounen by Naono Bohra

 

 

Sex Pistols by Kotobuki Tarako1

Sex Pistols by Kotobuki Tarako

Sex Pistols by Kotobuki Tarako

One of my favorite yaoi lies. I hope one day that the magical temporary uterus fruit (or parasyte) comes into fashion.


3. Guys who say they hate gays just haven’t come out yet, even to themselves.

Well, ok… maybe that one’s true…

Sono Koi ni wa Wake ga Aru by Akiba Touko

Sono Koi ni wa Wake ga Aru by Akiba Touko

 

Abarenbou Kareshi by Junko

Abarenbou Kareshi by Junko

Uh huh. Right… I’ll go ahead and start preparing the congratulatory sekihan for the both of you. You’ll need it in a chapter or two.

 


2. A man’s penis has the power of invisibility.

The world’s weirdest superpower. (If no one’s looking over your shoulder, click on the gallery to see the engorged, I mean enlarged images — bigger is funnier… Oh, but never say that to a guy.)


1. Pigs can fly. 

Mazu wa Hitokuchi by Moto Haruhira2

Mazu wa Hitokuchi by Moto Haruhira

Mazu wa Hitokuchi by Moto Haruhira3

Mazu wa Hitokuchi by Moto Haruhira

But sometimes weird is good, boys. Especially when it’s kawaii and has my favorite superpower — flying. I’ll take that over the invisible penis any day.

19 thoughts on “my favorite yaoi lies

    • Yeah — too bad that story’s just shounen-ai. *sigh* But even though there’s only one flying pig story (as far as I’m aware) when I was making this list I just couldn’t resist using it. Those pigs are so damn cute. 🙂 Of course, there are other farming/pig yaoi, but I don’t think any of the other stories’ pigs fly…

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  1. Oh my god this post had me in stitches because it’s so true! Number 2 – invisible penises are still a mystery to me. And Number 7 – I always wondered how NOONE hears anything, not even the kissing or smacking. ???

    And Number 1 – I adore that story, it’s so cute (PIGS!!!)! Really love Moto Haruhira’s art and works!

    Again, a great post 😀

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    • Thank you so much! I had a great time writing it. I’m glad it made you laugh. 🙂

      Yes, the invisible penis is an interesting, if frustrating, workaround of Japan’s obscenity laws. That second image, that actually has a drip coming out of the top cracks me up every time I look at it (if you click on that gallery, larger versions the images will come up onscreen, and they’re really funny at that size).

      Thank you so much for the feedback! It’s wonderful to hear when people are touched (or tickled) by a post. 😀

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  3. Ah yes, the magical self-lubricating anus. It is the uke’s superpower, don’t ya know? I admit that one makes me want to crawl out of my skin when I see it. I understand it is a short cut, but frankly it is horrible. I do get a kick out of the invisible penis and m-preg though. M-preg is a fan-fic staple, you can’t get away from it there.

    Delightful post, as always!!

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    • Yeah, I haven’t read a lot of fanfic, but I am into M/M novels, and M-preg is pretty popular there, too. Of course, since M/M is mostly American/British, there’s also a lot of adopting, 2nd-daddy stepfathers, and even surrogates… I guess we gals (lets face it, most of the authors and audience are female) really want that full-family fantasy. 🙂

      Ah, and here I was thinking that the uke’s superpower was being able to climax a dozen times in a single evening. XD

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    • Yaaay! Glad it got you laughing!! I love yaoi (obviously) and that includes some things about it that are just so repeatedly, hilariously ridiculous. I’m a firm believer in taking a moment (or ten) to stop and laugh at them. 🙂

      Oh, and I gotta say, some of the lube substitutes I’ve seen, all I can say is, “ouch!” I read a story recently where the idiots used shampoo. Shampoo!! Any author writing about this particular kind of, um, action, should know better than to use something that would cause you so much stinging pain that you’d still be crying a week later. *sigh* I hope the fanfic substitutes are at least more realistic. XD

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      • It’s great you could still find some moments to laugh at them. Most of the time, I just tend to pass them by without blinking. You can only take so much absurdity before it stops being ridiculous, and you get used to being bothered that it just stops bothering you.

        Honestly, I don’t really know much about lubes and the like, so I’ve got no idea what substitutes are okay and what are not. Skin lotion, saliva, whipping cream, toothpaste(???!!!), chocolate…O____O

        Found the page I mentioned: http://wtffanfiction.com/post/58751946361/lube

        Well, they’re fanfics, so maybe they’re leaning towards fiction more rather than reality?

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        • Hmmm… about non-specialized lubes… as far as natural things go (not designed by chemists), you need something that contains fats that inhibit friction for long enough to be useful. Some thick oils, like coconut oil, work pretty well, and you can use other cooking oils in a pinch. But man, the cleanup from regular oils is awful (getting grease stains out of things always sucks, right?). Petroleum based oils work, too, which is why Vaseline was the original widely adopted lube, although it’s mostly been ditched because it destroys condoms.

          Beyond basic, pure oils, that’s when you might consider lotions as an “emergency” backup, and while a few lotions could work, there are two main potential problems: 1) many are not greasy enough and get absorbed too quickly, so they aren’t very useful; and 2) many have ingredients that cause mucous membranes to sting. No thank you! Same for hair conditioner, which some writers use in shower scenes.

          Water (also in bath scenes) and saliva (mostly water) are no-go, because they don’t actually have enough lubrication properties. Same for, um, male’s emissions.

          Toothpaste would sting like a minty mofo. What a horrible idea. 😥

          Whipped cream is probably too watery, despite the fat in it, but that’s just a guess on my part. Chocolate… probably too sticky, but that’s another guess. And, besides, it’s brown, and give the location, that’s just gross.

          I certainly believe that the folks who write yaoi, m/m, and fanfic should have to do a bit more personal experimenting before they go shoving these things in their characters and expecting them to have a good time. 😀

          Uh, wait, did you really want all that detail? 😕 Oh well…

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  4. No 10 true in all yaoi manga I’ve read
    No 9 read it a few times
    No 8. strangely, I’m the most annoyed with this. Since I mostly read fanfic, I am truly annoyed with Americanization/Westernization in Japanese setting.
    No 2. I read it somewhere it’s because of the law in Japan. In AV, guy can’t show their manhood.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes. Those gay student body presidents really are something else. 😉

      It’s true that Lie #2 is a result of the laws that regulate pornography in Japan. You can’t show complete, clearly identifiable genitals (male or female). But there’s a wide variety of how mangakas work around that. For me, the ghost penis is the funniest. I also like the older style that you don’t see as much anymore (now that things are digital), where the editor has clearly just laid down a line of the whiteout tape across part of the cockhead. Voila, enough is hidden to satisfy the laws! >:D It’s hilarious that that works.

      But the ghost penis is funnier. 😈

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  5. No.5 is awful…. So is No.9…… And yes, you can only take so long until you can’t take it anymore, then – you just start not taking it in – bypassing – so to speak, and get to the main action….. It can only get so ridiculous to an extent that it is no longer ridiculous…. But I still can’t not stop and laugh at this list…. XD Especially the flying pigs……

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    • Heh heh. Whenever I hear people say, “When pigs fly…” I have to hold in the giggles (good thing that phrase is old fashioned enough that I don’t hear it too often anymore). My poor brain. Everything’s yaoi now.

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